How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
