i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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