peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
