Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
