I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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