So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
