As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
this hospital has no fireball
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
