fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
