he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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