There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
