I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
