so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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