So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
