Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
