So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
