Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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