sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize