apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
