Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
