i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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