he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
