I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
