Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
