I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
