Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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