Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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