You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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