stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
