Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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