Too much gin, very little bucket
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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