that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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