saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
