Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
