I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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