Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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