You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
