Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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