Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
