Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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