Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
