I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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