Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
