Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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