thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
