I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
