Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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