You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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