I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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