So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
