I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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