I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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