tell your sister to shave her snatch
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
