note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
