I looked at my own cervix.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
